im in a place right now im my life, where i should be comfy and grateful for where im at in life. but im not.
i mean lets look at this from the outside.
since i was 17 i was thrown in to the real world after i got kidnapped by my mother in D.R. (yes i said kidnapped.) growing up she did everything and didnt prepare me for “life” for she did not know what happened was going to happen. since then i became a gypsy. instead of going to college which was my initial plan, i got a job and was introduced to the game of making money. something i didnt see myself getting into let alone addicted to cause i felt like i was following in my dads footsteps who was a hustler and made that his life story. as dumb as he is, and was he made shit happen. anywho, i moved around alot. never really on my own, at times relying on my sister to hold me down cause we were infact gypsies together. we lived in about 5 diff apts within 1 year with a cat and a dog and several psycho girlfriends and crazy roomates. by doing so i explored parts of the bronx and yonkers that have since changed my perception of the north. all fucked up small apts, rish people will call it lowclass couch surfing. from then on i moved to this ill house 3 stories, private complex…the catch had a psycho coke head roomate. upon moving in there i was proud of myself for moving up (in my standards) as a 21 year old lifting my own weight while climbing the social ladder.
from there i moved to the upper east side. which most people dont know was my all time dream ever since watching cruel intentions. the apt wasnt that dope but it was comfy, and convienient. living with my best friend SPECS and smoking as much bud as i wanted.
since then i moved to a brand new condo building in the heart of dumbo brooklyn. floor to ceiling windows, door man, great view and on the 30th floor. with a gym, and laundry room included i was set.
now im looking out the window, while laying on the couch writing this after doing a whole bunch of lines, and some kpin and stella. and realized im not happy.
not that im not happy as to where i am in success just not happy in my own skin and my body isnt happy with my soul. its like my brain and my body are running on two different paths and often crash into eachother. i noticed my body has become more tense, constantly cracking every bone or joint i can just to be able to melt into the couch and for some reason i just cant.
im in a point in time where yes im making money, enough for me to be happy with but i just dont see it. feel me?
my cryptonite is that im always helping people out and those people eventually take advantage. and me being a dumass didnt realize that ive been building my own pyramid of people. but instead of me being at the top im at the bottom.
ive been having thoughts of just saving up money and moving to another state and becoming someone else. creat a new identity and get away from the bullshit. sounded easy when it popped into my head while i had a blunt in my mouth but it really isnt. if i leave, my pyramid falls.. theres alot of people depending on me for different reasons i cannot say, and its not that i dont wanna let them down. its just that i dont want to force them to crash. im not my mother and i dont plan to be like her.
i want to be someone else, switch bodies atleast for a week. im uncomfy in my skin, and i dont like it. ill take a xanax to relax and it doesnt work, a percocet doesnt work, cocaine doesnt work. its like my body is stronger then my mind and says “fuck off i do what i want”
so how do i get out of this situation?
idn. dont think i have a “situation” for im living the life i always wanted. but why am i not content…why doesnt my brain and third eye take a vacation and stop working for once..idn whatever.
im going to transform.
I’ve realized im no longer the person i used to be.
i lost myself in others.
if you know me, (most of u do know me) but if u really know me, or how i used to be you’ll notice that im mostly focused on making others happy or helping out others.
but on some real shit, starting tomorrow the empire i created will fall. the pyramids bricks will dissolve. because it wasnt built for me, it was built for others eyes to see.
i will take this falling empire and put it together again with my own power. my will and being.
this is a proclamation to myself. to gather all those missing pieces and put them together the way i want them to be. fuck the blueprint, this will be on some on the spot type of shit.
i hall be complete again the way i want. without anyone’s input.
FUCK UR EXPECTATIONS
FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS AN ISSUES.
unlike others i do not wear my issues on my sleeve. i do not display myself as a victim like a deer who just got hit my a car on the highway.
i realized i dont follow my own advice:
“a true friend helps you before you ask for it”
and on some real shit if i base it on that quote i dont have any “real” friends.
but fuck it. ima do me and be me regardless of what anyone thinks.
no one knows what i go through on a daily basis, no one knows how i got to where i am today and everyone thinks its impossible to do what i want to do.
i dont have a destiny, and i dont have a path.
just a dirt road in front of me and no shoes to travel with.
ill make my own damn shoes and pave my own damn road and just go.
if it comes to a point where ive worn my shoes down and have been walking in the same place i will cut everyone the fuck off and move elsewhere. become someone else. create my own life story and just BE.
so fuck off to everyone. the weight on my shoulders shall be thrown the fuck off and ill be able to float again.
PEACE THE FUCK OUT BITCHES.
im just gonna pick up n dip. everyone could suck my dick n i shall c i on another lifetime.
be somone else so ill explode.
floating upon the surface for the buzz….
thats exactly how i feel right now.
need a break frm walkin in my shoes…need to get em repaired i guess u must say…cuz they r currently wearing down and giving me back pains…
“i know i should’nt be even looking at the poison let alone take it but the kick i get from the venom is oh so good” -me
at this rate, i might either become and alcoholic or kill myself. idn….just sayin..fuck it. ill help as many people as i can, get taken advantage of…and dip. sound good. werd. lol. funny really, how shit happens this way….
people just drain the shit out of me, all cuz im a nice person and try to help everyone. when in reality NO ONE really knows how i got to where i am, who i am, and how i got here. but its all good. cuz its always :”help me, help me, help me thank u bye.”
fuck it
lets c what happens. haha
i need to build myself up again.
dont like the person ive become.
im a robot, stuck in the same cycle.
whats the definition of insanity?
repetition..
need a new map, a new mission, a new goal.
lets c what happens…
ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!! I AM OFFICIALLY SINGLE!!! AND FREE OF LEDOUCHE.
AGAIN I AM SINGLE!! whoooppp!!!
thats all….will post up the story when i feel like it. lol.
really long and crazy.
lets just say, he thought he can play me….but he lost the game cuz i ruined his life
hes now, homeless and lonely cuz his other girl found out abt me AND KICKED HIS ASS OUT…
BTW check out his fb page:
and if u want u can look him up on adam4adam under the name of joshyforupapi..
enjoy:)
soo i got internet back on my laptop meaning ill be in here more often. werrd upp!
anywho im sick laying in bed smoking a joint which is making me feel allot better. i just finished puking which is a good thing, and i just saw the new ep of dexter and was highly disappointed. hes starting to slip up. GET IT TOGETHER!
anywho, i look forward to writing my new tales abt random shit thats been going on in my life.
ok gotta ash this shit. peace!
sooo werrd… uh yeah… my bad ya’ll….havent been writing lately, well i have but its just not “tumblr” material… or mature enough for tumblr. anywho, mad shit has happened. heres a quick recap of the summer:
-ledouche is still in jail. since then i cheated on him like a million times…well not a million but u know what i mean, cant do a million dont want a saggy vag or anything lol.
-i think i OD’D TWICE. not too sure, cuz i was fine while i was high and then the next day my body would go through a very gruesome detox and ill just be sick and puking all day. dont worry it wasnt heroin or anything, just xanax, percoset, cocaine and an oxycontin (once like last weekend) guess my body does have its limits..
-went through a work struggle and unnecessary drama with family. but all is good now. i cut them niggas off!
-still live on the UES!!!! its been awesome, my neighbors hate me and my room mate SPECS because we smoke too much weed and we stink up the whole building. ah well.
-didnt get to go to the beach much or anything, but when i did go it was fun. also got to take some really great photos in long island/jones beach. (dont have rights to publish em untill the photog does sooo ya gotta wait for em. )
-my love for motorcycles grew to the point where im getting mine next week!! cant waiiit till that happens. also got my hands on a sugar daddy who owns a sexy ass harley davidson and is paying for my license, permit, insurance and etc. hes my bitch and i didnt even have to fuck him. SWEEET!
i cant really think of what else happened or possibly write it because its too much for this site. so ill hold off on it and just write it in my new book… hopefully it comes out well. and i actually finish it. lol
anywho, ill try to keep this shit updated.. just popped a xanny and gonna order some seafood cuz i was some fish in my bellllly! and yea….i guess ill c ya next time.
lata bitches.
p.s sry for the typos, idn how to correct em on a stupid mac. yes i said it MACS ARE STUPID. OK PEACE.
